Power as Relationality
When we flip the script on our definition of power
When most people think of power, they often associate it with wealth and influence.
Getting what you want when you want it.
Breaking the ‘rules’ and getting away with it.
Power OVER other people.
More for me, less for them.
Winning the ‘game’.
Even in the coaching/empowerment spaces, power is focused on as getting what you want. Sometimes in a healthy way, often in a way that leads us into the above ‘power over’ dynamics.
Because we believe, in our current paradigm, that getting what we want (right when we want it) will make us happy, and that the more we can influence the world, the happier we will be. The irony is that most spiritual masters and even scientists have found this to be incorrect (read: Stumbling Upon Happiness)
Many myths and stories warn of the corrupting nature of power.
The way it can make us lose our ethics, our integrity and our Truth.
The way people believe they are incorruptible by power, and are proven otherwise.
The way that the weight of responsibility, judgment, perception and influence start to crush us.
The tales often warn how those seeking power will inevitably be crushed by it in some way or another, and those who resist or avoid power but find themselves with it regardless are often times more able to wield it because they realise it’s not about ‘them’ and never was, it is about how the power can flow to others and be utilised for the benefit of the whole, rather than the benefit of the individual.
People in positions of power who are not relationally-focused (with their core values focused on self rather than community thriving and wellbeing) will attract people into their spheres who are seeking something from them.
In a hierarchical systems, those ‘below’ will want to get closer to the top, and will often distort themselves to get there. Because they are ‘lower’ on the pyramid, their instincts will tell them that safety and happiness lie in being closer to the ‘top’, and that their survival depends on climbing the ladder. Those at the top are aware of this instinct and will take advantage of those looking to climb the ladder.
Power becomes a game, and people are no longer fellow multi-faceted beings inherently worthy of kindness, abundance and care, but players on the board to be shifted and played to get what you want. Those in power tell themselves they are doing ‘good’ by even giving those lower on the power chain a chance to climb the ranks, so they justify the games and use of these people.
And yes, even the spiritual people play into these games of power, and are often best at lying to themselves about it. I’ve seen these games play out in almost every community and scene I have been in, from the artist scenes to the spiritual communities.
It’s so common we think it’s natural. We think it’s human nature. It’s definitely a part of human nature, but looking to other cultures, through history and at various power structures, we can see variations. We see other potentialities.
Because what if this game was always a lose-lose situation?
And the only way to actually find happiness (which we’re all unconsciously seeking through power, because we’ve been told that’s how we find it) is to exit that paradigm altogether?
The Shadow of Power
Think about it — You ‘get there’... You have wealth, status, and influence. People listen to your every word. Opportunities are flowing. You have more than enough money to live comfortably. People look up to you.
Others who also want money, fame, status etc, will need to act a certain way around you to stay in your favour and keep access to your power. They will even lie and manipulate you to ensure you keep them around so their opportunities stay open.
How can you trust their intentions? How do you differentiate between genuine friendship and love, and power-plays?
And this isn’t black or white… even people who do genuinely love and care about you will find themselves with choices to make on how honest they are, what boundaries they set and how they relate to you based on the risk of loss of power.
It’s a type of fawning that isn’t based on fear/threat (like a typical definition of a trauma response) but from a loss of access to power, which can be perceived as a threat in our current paradigm, where loss of access to power can mean homelessness, loss of access to basic resources etc.
Most people have a story that we all want and seek power, and that everyone plays ‘the game’, and everyone is manipulating each other — which I think is an incredibly sad reality to inhabit. You’ll hear this on all the alpha-bro podcasts and the sugar baby spaces, too. And it can seem like that is true depending on what ‘scene’ you inhabit.
In this perspective, it’s OK for older, more powerful men to get with young, impressionable women who are fawning over them, because all they want is power, and you have it, so you’re meeting their desires and getting what you want in the process. If this is clearly transactional (think- Sugar daddies and babies), everyone knows why they are playing the role they are playing and what they get out of it. If it is not clear in the dynamic, and one or both people are getting their feelings involved and believing the dynamic is authentic and real, people get hurt really fast.
In spiritual circles, this dynamic gets mixed up so much and causes so much pain. There is the role of teacher/leader mixed with perceived spiritual wisdom/maturity mixed with desire for love, unhealed parent wounds, feelings of unworthiness, insecurity on both sides and so many more distortions playing out. Impressionable young seekers think they will find healing, validation and security in chasing the power of being sexually entangled with a leader or authority figure. They think it will mark them as ‘special’, better than the other students, give them opportunities they otherwise wouldn’t have and meet a core need for being special and wanted by a parent figure.
Power-figures believe they are benefiting the student/young one, giving them ‘a transmission’ and getting their ego validated by the attention and fawning of someone who embodies youth and naivety. They tell themselves ‘we’re equals, I see your power’ yet happily take the lead and tell them what to do, what is the ‘right way’ and take advantage of the ignorance of someone who is newer to the path.
While every relationship will have some power differentials, when they are amplified and beyond a typical measure, things often distort. Age, experience, wealth, emotional awareness, intelligence, even desirability — when there is a slight difference, we can learn and grow with each other, but the larger the gap, the more the power dynamics risk becoming problematic. Especially when they’re not clearly communicated, discussed and explored intentionally.
We also need to ask ourselves what attracts us to someone when there is such a large gap in these areas, rather than meeting and being with someone who feels more like an equal?
Does our ego get off on being the more experienced/wise/attractive one, and the sense of power we have over the other?
Do we chase those who are so much more experienced/wise/attractive than us because we want to gain power through the dynamic, no matter the cost?
The things people will do to each other for power often amazes me. The lies, the role-playing, the mind games, the manipulation… The willingness to harm and be harmed. “Some of them want to use you, some of them want to be used by you…” It sure is ‘tainted love’.
I like BDSM as much as the next kinkster, but I like it in designated times and with clear boundaries.
Many people enter into 24/7 power dynamics with no safe word or consent and boundaries chat first.
Let’s not deceive ourselves, and admit that these kind of power dynamic relationships are almost always a kink dynamic, not a mutually empowering meeting of equals that defines a deeper, authentic lovership. They’re based on playing with power, accumulating or chasing power, validation and seeking security.
Those who engage in and advocate for these dynamics will say all relationships are transactional, this is natural — but is this true?
Do we all seek power through our relationships, or is there another option to opt out of the games?
Enter the love paradigm, where power is relational.
A different power paradigm
If we define power as the ability to manifest your will and express yourself in this world — money and influence may be one possible option, but the other is strong relational fields and support systems, built on empowering relationships that allow self-expression and evolution to occur. When we have a strong support network, getting the things we want or need becomes a matter of asking and expressing, and collaborating to create those things. It might not get you a yacht, but you’ll be able to meet underlying needs and common desires together. Generally when we’re thriving a lot of the ‘wants’ we have shift anyway, because many desires are a product of our conditioning and status games, and we realise without those games playing out we don’t actually want much that can’t be found through genuine connections.
If we recognise that happiness doesn’t actually come from power over people and having whatever frivolous desires we have met, but from a deep inner relationship to our psyche, emotions and somatic realm, from forming authentic and caring relationships that are deep, nourishing and enlivening, and being able to access inner peace, we naturally orient to a different way of accessing and talking about power.
The reality is, humans are generally pretty terrible at knowing what would make them happy, and that’s what spiritual masters have been exploring and offering to humanity for thousands of years.
They recognised that things like:
Being able to respond rather than react to life circumstances is power
Ability to be with your emotions and inner state with self compassion and kindness, cultivating peace and wellbeing is power
Forming strong relationships and supportive communities you can rely on and be held by is power
Your sexual energy and eroticism is power
Beauty and charisma are just as much a form of power as physical strength is
Not needing validation or external changes to feel content and self-love is power
Access to deep intuition and authentic truth is power
Being in service to future generations and positive ripple-on effects of the work you do in this lifetime is power
Being deeply connected to your unique self, and being willing to express your unique self to the world is power
And the thing is, people who have tapped into this other paradigm of power have no interest in manipulative power games. They have no interest in transactional relationships based on scripts. You will likely loose friendships and relationships with those who have exited the power game if you choose to play into those tactics, because having healthy boundaries around not being used and manipulated comes with the territory of embodied power.
Because this paradigm prioritises Truth, Authenticity and Love. It is focused on mutual thriving.
There is a whole paradigm of power available to us that doesn’t rely on money or hustling your way into the 1%. It’s a power that lies with the 99% when they can access it.
For this paradigm to succeed and thrive, there must be basic resource sharing and community infrastructure so no one is left without a home, starving or suffering unnecessarily. Basic needs must be met, and communities or governments work to meet these needs. If your government doesn’t support the meeting of these needs, organising smaller communities of resource sharing and support is an option. Humans have been figuring out how to do this since the dawn of humanity, how to support each other and meet our basic needs together. Ownership, hording and power distortions have always lead to the kind of suffering and soul-wounding we see commonly in our day and age.
Being part of this relational power field requires radical honesty and commitment to integrity. The kind of people who will be your biggest allies will see through manipulative power games and not want a bar of it. The kind of lovers who will empower you to become your most liberated, self-expressed and blissful self will not play these games with you (unless they’re in a well executed kink scene).
They’ll see the grasping for validation, the seeking for external fulfillment and walk away (or at least step back)
And this is why the people preaching that ‘all relationships are like this’ have never experienced for themselves the other options, or perhaps just not noticed why some people act differently.
Making the inner shift
We need to be radically honest with ourselves about how we’re showing up in our relationships, when we’re fawning to power and when we’re being honest.
Do you seek friendships or loverships with people who have what you want, so that you can get what you want?
Do you distort yourself around people who hold what you perceive as power so you’ll stay in their favour and keep access to their power?
Are you willing to loose access to wealth, status, influence and opportunities to be in integrity with yourself?
And if not — why? What inner resources must you cultivate to be happy without the access to power?
How can you start to prioritise truth, authenticity and shared power in your life so you’re not getting hooked into the games?
This is such a huge topic, this is barely scratching the surface on what we can explore.
What does it bring up for you???
This month in the Deep Eros Membership, I’ve offered a 30+ min talk on the subject of Relational Power. You’ll get a deep-dive hour-long ritual to feel into the web of relationality, power from earth, eros, love and consciousness. An ancestral Mandala meditation to stay anchored in the relational power field. And a shadow work practice for working with power and powerlessness.
PS. My book is officially released on December 9th. In the last post of mine, I shared the prologue ‘The Sensualist View’. You can pre-order it now on Amazon or through my website.
I have a companion course with recordings of the 40+ practices found in the book, if you buy the course now I’ll send you the e-book for free! Check out more here
This so well written and on point with abundance of wisdom and insights into our relationship with power. I have had my own journey with event making, holding the centre of my own power and attracting fawning and ‘agreeable’ people who want a piece of the goodness, Kudos and status by association and act in a way to stay in your favour. They rarely have your interests at heart, only their own. It was always obvious to me that these ‘friends’ (a term distorted by social media) were anything but and would surely disappear if you walked away from what you were creating. Turns out to be true. It is a rather disappointing indictment of human frailty and self-serving ego but that’s what limelight does to people sometimes. In the worst case, the rejected ones turn on you like Jackals when the opportunity arises because they see you as an obstacle to them building their own cardboard palace on the solid foundations you have built. The number of times I have helped people up and given them opportunities to thrive and rise only to be defamed and stabbed in the back has been one too many. Mediocrity thrives on the vicious … be like the Buddha but carry a large stick to keep the Jackals away.
A different power paradigm: (I love this and live by it)
‘If we define power as the ability to manifest your will and express yourself in this world — money and influence may be one possible option, but the other is strong relational fields and support systems, built on empowering relationships that allow self-expression and evolution to occur.’
This is pretty much a definition of the power structure I naturally felt into. When you are the principal creator/manifestor of an event or offering, you have the power to decide on outcomes that are not solely self benefitting - the benevolent dictator model - whereby the good of all is the motivating factor but you retain control balanced by constructive input from confidants and advisors that are coherent with your values and energetic signature. When you find yourself surrounded by people who are solely motivated by ‘good of self’ one has to apply a discerning filter to ensure those close to the centre are not self-serving liabilities who are engaging in distorted behaviours to remain close to you, possibly sabotage you for their own self-serving ambitions or just as a response to rejection to admission to the inner circle. Lessons learned, wisdom gained .. trust none but the valiant.
I really enjoyed reading this article Luna . The intoxication of power is real. It was interesting for me to go on a journey with power and see how it influenced my behaviour.
Although I do recognise I am someone (and was at ISTA) who has a Strong value around community , and not leaving anyone behind , noticing the ones who aren’t getting what they need and falling behind - I care - always have . Despite this - The power still went to my head. I watched myself feel competitive with other people doing This work in NZ. Feeling like I owned the community here and whilst I didn’t like the feeling of aloneness the power and influence gave me or how projected on I felt. I did (I’m ashamed to say) get off on how everyone hung in my words.
I am human.
Losing that status power (through a series of happenings -Highden being one of them and my resistance to Bruce and to that field was one of them , as was menopause) was actually where I started to tap into my own well of authentic power and build it from within - in the ways you mentioned about relational power. I’d also add some inner alchemical powers that I developed especially once I gave up the role power of ISTA - the ability to stay in the tension of the unknown, ability to sense the medicine in identities dissolving even though I felt totally dismantled and like a failure , capacity to be okay if someone else is not okay with my truth and periodising self preservation rather than fawning to keep the connection . Ability to differentiate and create clear boundaries. I love this conversation and what you are saying here in your writing. It is a juicy topic one as a collective we are unpacking . It is so needed around the discussion of - what power actually is - and how can we redefine it - and it be something that uplifts and inspires all.
Thank you for sharing your insights with us Luna 🤎