"There is NO WAY I could talk about this to my wife- She'd lose her shit"
On Weaponized reactivity and emotional safety
I shared this post the other day on my facebook, and had a lot of positive responses to this dynamic being shared, so I wanted to expand on the original post and take it deeper.
I can't tell you how many times over my many years working with intimacy that I've heard some form of this sentence.
From the men I spent hours chatting with in strip clubs, to the men I know in spiritual circles where the women often proclaim emotional evolution and superiority.
Men who are married- completely committed to another person- who don’t feel they can even broach a discussion on a topic with their partner without being met with an extreme response. And these topics are often not even ‘edgy’ in my books- sometimes something as simple as desiring to explore sacred sexuality or try a little kink.
It’s hard for me to wrap my head around sometimes, as someone whose top relationship principle is TRUTH.
It's a shadow that appears with many women- the weaponisation of emotional reactivity to control and shut down their partner and to win their way. I often see men trying to address and speak to this dynamic, but few women seem to be able to take it in without blaming or shaming.
I’ll state outright before we go any further- this dynamic transcends sex/gender. There have been plenty of think-pieces, conversations and inquiries into the emotionally volatile male who emotionally abuses his partner. I think we all know this pattern already, we’ve seen it everywhere, and often the emotional turns to the physical with abuse that leaves bruises.
But rarely is this dynamic spoken to when it is the woman, especially when it’s not as volatile and ‘clearly’ aggressive or abusive, yet damage happens regardless.
What I’ll speak to, and the solutions, can apply for any relationship dynamic, whether M/F or Queer. I will speak in heterosexual terms here, though, to point to how it manifests specifically in M/F dynamics.
THE REACTIVITY LOOP
It's easy to ask for, want or even demand safety in a relationship. It is pretty safe to say that we all want, or need, to feel emotionally safe in some form.
Something we often miss is just how unsafe a lot of men feel in their relationship due to women’s emotional reactivity or volatility.
Men will rarely say they feel unsafe- because it's associated with weakness- but it IS a form of unsafety they feel.
Men are taught to be strong and not need safety, that the world is an unsafe place and they need to ‘man-up’ and actually be the protector or provider of safety to others- but that does not mean they don’t have this need, even if they can’t articulate it.
There are a lot of women now asking for men to be more vulnerable and honest; they want a man who can be both a sovereign provider and an emotional being- someone who shares his deepest truths and feelings with her.
But- if a truth is shared that is uncomfortable, challenges her Ego or her desires, he is attacked and shamed. Perhaps the fire isn’t even directed at him, but her reactivity blows up the share.
She spins out, everyone becomes dysregulated, and more and more he learns he isn't safe to share his truth.
He won’t be met with acceptance, honour or compassion. His truth is only welcome if it pleases her and aligns with her desires or stories about what a relationship should look like.
He tried to share a desire, a need or a boundary, but is met with such an intense emotional response time and time again that eventually, he gives up.
It's not worth the fight, not worth the drama.
He doesn't want to upset her, so he shuts down more and more over time.
And…. resentment builds.
The relationship becomes inauthentic.
Repression starts to happen,
The flow of Eros is blocked....
To add to the fire, she’ll get mad at him for backing down and pulling away, not realising the part she played in this dynamic.
This is often what leads to either cheating, depression and stagnancy from ongoing repression or a resentful, bitter relationship or an inevitable breakup.
EMOTIONAL SAFETY IN RELATIONSHIPS
Safety in a relationship is a 2-way street. We don’t get to demand that our partner makes us feel totally loved, accepted, appreciated and honoured without offering the same thing in return.
To be a 'safe' partner, we need to learn to hear uncomfortable truths and to be with the charge and heat that comes with the discomfort- without blowing up.
We need to show our partners that it's OK for them to share what is true and real for them, to invite it and be with their truth and stay connected in it, even when it's not what we want to hear.
We need to create intentional spaces where we genuinely ask what is happening for our partner, what they need, what will make them happy and encourage them to reveal their truth- without punishing them if the truth hurts.
This is another person, a partner, who will have conflicting needs and desires at times. We don't have to like what they say, we don't have to always end up meeting the desire if it's not aligned for the relationship, but there should be space to speak it.
Yes, that includes hearing things like your partner feeling an attraction to someone else. (And no, that doesn’t mean you have to suddenly become poly, but attraction does and will happen because it’s natural, and repressing it won’t stop it happening- but will make cheating more likely)
That includes hearing they have a sexual fantasy that you don’t like.
That includes hearing they don’t like a choice you’re making and how it affects them.
An emotionally safe relationship is somewhere we can bring the truth of our lives and our hearts, where we can trust our partner to see us as we really are.
Anything less and we’re living a lie together, and resentment and inauthenticity will bloom.
Again, hearing out partners’ truth doesn’t mean acting on it. Often, just expressing what is happening within us is enough, or maybe there is an unmet need you can collaborate on meeting in a way that works for both of you. Sometimes it takes time to sit with, to mull over, to digest.
One of the deepest desires and needs of humans in a relationship is to have a sanctuary- a space where they can be seen and loved for who they are. Where they can be met and loved in their truth and have a collaborator to move through the challenges of life with.
To be able to hold someone in who and what they are, as 'other', with feelings and thoughts we don't always like, we need to learn to manage our emotions.
TOO MUCH OR TOO REACTIVE?
In the women's movement, there is often memes and encouragement- "You're not too much! He just needs to step up!" but how often do we bring up the mirror to women when the 'too much' is not to shame who they are, but to point to a weaponising of emotionality, and over-reactive response to intensity and an immaturity in the practice of equanimity.
Maybe the 'Too much' is not about your personality but your reactivity...
Which is good news because we can’t change who we are but we can work on our reactivity.
Sure, an occasional reactive response will happen- we can't help but hit these sore points sometimes- but if every time someone brings up an uncomfortable truth and there is a major reaction, then it's a sign there is work to do.
The reactivity usually comes from a few different angles:
We create stories about how our partner or relationship ‘should’ be, and then the reality doesn’t meet the story, and the dissonance causes a reaction
We haven’t learned to regulate our emotions, and we are overwhelmed by discomfort and dump our emotions onto our partners
Our ego is rigid, and anything that slightly threatens our perception of ourselves creates an intense response
We haven’t learned any conscious communication skills and are repeating patterns from toxic family dynamics, and need to learn how to express our needs, feelings and desires in more effective ways.
Our trauma makes us associate any discomfort with a life threat and we’re reacting through PTSD responses
All of these are things we can work on. If we want to have thriving, authentic relationships where we can truly trust our partner, trust ourselves and have a deep, secure foundation we have to learn how to navigate the enevitable tensions that will arise in relationships.
A truly healthy relationship is one where each partner can share their deepest truths, their wildest desires and their most uncomfortable pain and be met with love from their partner. That doesn’t mean every conversation will be easy, peaceful or even constructive; tension is inevitable, but you are both committed to truth in your relationship regardless.
You both have permission to be who you are, regardless of if it fits the perfect story you each have crafted about how it ‘should’ be.
THE PATH THROUGH
When I work with individuals and couples on these dynamics, we explore it in a few ways.
Working with 'Emotional Alchemy' and healthy ways to relate to the intense energy of emotions so that we can stay grounded and present no matter what arises
Communication practices that allow us to speak our truth in ways that minimise the chance of being misunderstood or triggering others and re-train the way we express ourselves together.
Somatic, meditative partnered practices where we stay deeply connected and synchronised as we share and notice what comes up moment by moment
Co-regulation when we're getting fired up and need to stop talking and ground our bodies.
Releasing stories and projections on how things ‘should’ be to come into connection with truth (Byron Katie’s work is great for this)
There are ways that we can shift the way we react to intense situations and build our capacity to respond lovingly instead. In somatics we refer to the ‘window of tolerance’ which is the space in which we can stay connected and regulated through charged situations- we want to widen the window and increase our capacity to be with discomfort.
There are ways we can share and create a safe space for our edgy truths to be met with love and compassion rather than reactivity.
There are ways you can release that built-up tension that has accumulated and build a more honest, free and loving relationship if you're both committed!!!
When it comes to more intense trauma histories, CPTSD or some Neurodivergent traits, specialised support is highly recommended.
For most people, diving into couples coaching, workshops, retreats and books can get you a long way in moving through these dynamics. I teach some of these in my Tantric Intimacy online course for example!!!
I have a new spot opening up for couples work (or for a single) if you're in need of support around love, sexuality and relationships.
Read more about my work with the Love Liberation Method here
In the coming months, my husband Triss and I will be launching a couples membership with lots of practices and rituals to embody this work! We’ll also be sharing a freebie of our Liberating Love principals soon!
Stay tuned for more. I’d love to hear- how did this land? What does it bring up for you?
This is extremely useful. Having a partner (or potential partner) become angry and dysregulated is something that can potentially happen at any stage in a relationship, but it’s more likely to happen as you’re getting used to each other. If it’s happening in a mature relationship, then it’s at least an amber flag, and if it’s a control mechanism, then it becomes a red light with klaxons.
I’m blessed with fantastic circles of very clued-up women friends… and platonic relationships with women who know their way around these issues is a God(dess)-send. Even more so, having plenty of queer women friends who’ve been there, seen it, done it and have the t-shirts to prove it has been a fantastic resource. They’re great with calling out my BS, but they’re protective of me too. It’s an independent perspective that uniquely valuable.
In an ideal universe, we get to the state of co-regulation in community and family of choice, and folks can talk about these things openly, with understanding and mutual compassion. I think we’re still a long way from an ideal society though.